Hey everyone! Hope everyone is doing great this month and that Uni is going well or you are enjoying your new freedom from exams and coursework!
I have had a manic month – deadlines – moving house – family stuff etc etc – and as a result I have had a few down days and stresses. With regards to my family it has been a bit of a touchy subject recently – we can all relate to parents and loved ones driving us crazy but sometimes some families more than others seem to take it to a whole new level, the key is finding ways of coping with it.
One thing I have had to put into practice this last month is standing my ground and not doing something I really don’t want to do – now by this I don’t mean being bratty and I threw a tantrum, I mean I knew there was something I definitely didn’t want to do that would only cause stress and anxiety for everyone if I went so I stood my ground and didn’t go. The simple act of doing this made me feel so much better afterwards, and what was most shocking is that no one made a big fuss, I had got it into my head that my absence would cause an argument, but it didn’t – and by laying the groundwork now I have made it a lot easier to do this in the future. I have spent years worrying about everyone else, worrying how someone else will react to my decisions, my choices, my actions etc, and my fear of someone being angry or disappointed with me has caused me not to do so many things in the past, and it is absolutely ridiculous! I got really mad with myself earlier this month because I found myself still doing this and it caused me so much anxiety that all I could do was worry about it, I then sat and talked to my friend and realised that no one out there makes decisions and worries what I think and how I would react, and I would never want my friends or family not to do something they really want to do because they were worried about what I would say.
I realised this is a deep rooted issue from being young, a fear of being told off, and upsetting your parents, and it is something I have to work on on a daily basis, the need to keep everyone else happy in order to feel relaxed is never going to make me fully relax, I am sure I am not the only one that feels like this and has this problem. In social situations with family and friends etc I always have to take charge in order to make sure everyone has a nice time so I can relax, but the problem is I never really do fully when I feel like this which just causes me to stress and lose sleep. What I am saying is that worrying about everyone else is fine, but if like me, you take it too far and allow your fear of letting people down and getting mad at you to take over your thought process then something needs to change, getting things in perspective is an absolute must.
Another thing I have had to deal with this month is letting go of the past – I have written before about getting nostalgic but it was really poignant for me this last week in particular when I moved house. I found myself looking through old photos of my holidays with old friends from the last few years, memories that I made that if I hadn’t made wouldn’t be where I am today, and I got really sad, because these friends sadly aren’t in my life anymore.
I am the sort of person that when I have a really wonderful friendship with someone I throw myself into it completely, just like a relationship, I invest, and you always think you will be friends forever, but what I have come to realise is that some friendships aren’t supposed to last forever, that person was put in my life at a time when we needed each other, we needed to make those memories to move on from what we had been through and move forward to where we are going, and in doing that it meant growing apart. What I found the hardest was that these memories I made with this person were some of the best memories of my entire life and I will never forget them, and it is because of them I am who I am now, so it’s sad to let go and accept things wont be like that again, what I needed to realise is things are amazing now, I have changed in so many ways since then, I am not the same person I was and im sure they aren’t either, but a apart of me still is that person and will never forget those times, it was just the realisation that some people are only meant to be in your life for a moment and then move on and others stay the course. Letting go of the past – good or bad – is always hard, but we all need to do it, accept it and move on. I am so grateful for all of my experiences these last 4 or 5 years, they have changed my life in ways I never thought possible and have made me so strong, what I have realised is, you cant go back, it’s amazing how much you can change in your attitude and outlook etc so quickly, that even if you were given the chance to relive those experiences it would never be the same as it was. So I guess what my ramblings mean is that being nostalgic can be a wonderful thing, no one can take your memories but it’s how you deal with them, whether you allow your memories to take over enjoying the present or whether they are just what they are – memories.
I hope everyone is having a great month and enjoying the beautiful sunshine!