In which I’m packing up and getting out


Well, I’m done academically, for this year at least. I’ve sat my exams, submitted my coursework and am ready to split. Looking around my University room at all the stuff I have to pack up ready to take home I realise just how long a journey it’s been for me, but I think I’m ready to leave this all behind.

Sometimes I wonder what I’d make of my life if I wondered into it fresh, like if I developed amnesia and had to try and make sense of what stuff I’ve got. There’s no real theme to the stuff I own, most of it’s been bought arbitrarily and I guess I don’t have much of a sense of style. I guess if I did wake up without memory and was forced to look at myself like that I’d be disappointed in the lack of humanity; no photos of friends, no social networking sites bookmarked in my laptop, nothing marked in my desk diary to look forward to… looking at my mobile phone, outside of my immediate family and practical numbers (bank, counsellor, the shop where I volunteer) I have three numbers saved. Three numbers over nine months, and one of those isn’t even saved under a name, but under the room in the flat where the girl who gave it to me lives.

On the other hand, I would definitely be surprised at the range of books I have; I have a theory about how no two people own the same things, that there should be some way of looking at what a person owns and extrapolating the person from that… I don’t know what my stuff says about me but just looking around I can see a book about Pi, another on prison escapes, a Brewer’s Guide to Science from 1894 and the novelization of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The posters on my wall are curiously asexual. mainly showing an appreciation for mid-90’s independent film, but there’s a Green Arrow and a Serenity poster too, it’s kind of arbitrary. I have Star Wars and Back To The Future posters in a tube under my bed, I just don’t have the room for them on my walls here.

I guess the sheer amount of books and movies I have makes it clear that I’m a guy who spends a lot of time by himself, but I think if I sat down and talked with myself I’d be surprised at how easy I can fit in and be sociable.

So I’m not really looking forward to putting all this crap away; I may not have accomplished a whole lot this year but I’ve made a nice little space for myself here. On the other hand, the flat has become almost unbearable over the past couple of weeks. Partly it’s the heat, but mainly it’s the noise and the lack of respect now that everyone’s parting ways. The kitchen is disgraceful, people just aren’t bothering to clean up after themselves and there’s a bowl of what used to be fruit that I can’t even look at without dry-heaving. I’ve had some food stolen from my freezer drawer, which is extremely frustrating when you bother to plan meals and look forward to eating them and then go to the drawer and find you can’t because someone else has taken from you without explanation.

So on the whole, I’m ready to leave this place and go home. The other thing I should mention is that I stopped taking my medication. I ran out one day a couple of weeks ago and just never bothered getting the prescription filled. I think part of me thinks that it’ll be easier coming home off the meds, a sort of symbol to my parents (mainly my mother) that I’m doing OK. The other thing is that being off them does feel slightly intoxicating, that rather than staying between four and six on the happiness scale I can experience ones and nines. A couple of times I’ve found myself tearing up watching movies or whatever; part of me really thinks it would be cathartic to break down and cry, but I just can’t. I’ve been properly happy as well, not over anything in particular but I guess at the same sort of things, TV and comedy and what have you. I know it’s irresponsible and lazy not to come down properly, but it does feel pretty exhilarating, almost like a mini-holiday. I wonder if any of the other bloggers can relate?

Anyway, that’s how I’m doing at the moment. I haven’t exactly had the typical collegiate experience, but I think a large part of going away to University is about evolving somehow, there’s pressure to re-invent yourself and to try new things and meet different types of people, and that’s great, but right now I’m looking at who I am and I think it’s going to be OK to stay that way for a while. I don’t know exactly how things are going to be once I get home, but I’ll let you know when I get there.

Thanks for reading,