In which I’m so drunk right now

I imagine there’s a formula for working out what’s a sensible amount to drink of an evening, taking into account your body mass index and the amount of time for which you are drinking.

I somehow doubt it is your age plus another fifteen drinks.

I feel like I should be embarrassed, if only I cared what my flatmates think. Instead they are out trying to pick up random girls, leaving me alone to enjoy my 38th drink of the day.

The trouble is, if I only had two drinks I doubt anyone would want to hang out with me rather than chase random tail, so what’s stopping me from pushing the limits?

I’m back at my flat with a scarf I found on the floor, a third of a tiara I’m hoping was dropped on the street by a girl who’d had too much to drink, rather than a rape victim leaving a clue to her whereabouts, and a gay guy who I took a third of a snakebite from in return for the promise of a “party” at our flat.

I feel like I should be ashamed, only I’m too drunk to care. I made a lot of people happy tonight with random compliments and general niceties. so what does it matter if I drank a bunch of leftover drinks? I feel that if someone was taking tally they’d be disgusted with me, only they’re not so I don’t care. I’m guessing I’ll wake up tomorrow still three sheets to the wind, and then spend Sunday feeling guilty and worrying that people will look down on me, when I was just trying to have a good time.

When I break it down I guess I’ve had:

10 cocktails

4 drinks I’d poured myself at home, equal to maybe a third of a bottle of whiskey (bourbon)

1 double

10 singles

8 shots

4 random drinks I assume other people had abandoned.

This is a rough estimate, I didn’t count properly but I’m within a drink or too either way. I’m currently having another drink, which I’m calling a nightcap. I acknowledge that I should be ashamed of myself, that I don’t deserve to be letting myself go in this way, but to be truly honest in the way I think this blog merits, I truly can’t bring myself to care at the moment. This is the closest I get to relaxing and letting my friends know me for who I really am, even if they don’t want to hang out with this drunken idiot, it’s a version of myself I find easier to present than the real me, with all my problems and anxieties.

I guess I’m wondering if any other bloggers find themselves abusing the liquor or trying to pass themselves off to their friends as an artificial version of themselves.

Either way, I hope everyone has a nice weekend, and has some way of letting off steam, even if it is irresponsible or immature,

Rees.

 

Comments Posted

Comment by Rees posted on Mon, 18/01/2010 19:13

I do try analyse a lot, you’re right. I do get what you’re trying to say, and I don’t think of myself as a twat, no matter how it seems on this blog sometimes. I really don’t try and find the downside either, I’m purely saying that on this one occasion it felt like something was quite wrong, and I guess that wrong thing is that I don’t enjoy the company of certain flatmates after a certain point. I really don’t think they hate me, and though I’d rather they didn’t I wouldn’t be too bothered if they did.

I guess what I’m taking from this escapade is that it’s maybe time to be looking for some new friends; a lot of bloggers have mentioned friends, best friends, girlfriends or boyfriends at some point or another, often as being supportive or reliable. I haven’t really had anyone like that in the last couple of years, and of all the people I met last term the only contact information I have boils down to one phone number, which is fine, but I think that it’s an area in my life that could use some working on. So I am going to try and be happy, but with new people who take me for what I am and actually want to spend time with me. I honestly don’t feel guilty or ashamed for over-indulging on occasion, I guess part of that is the University setting… if, say, I was driving a school-bus that weekend and had drunk that much beforehand I would feel totally guilty, but as I was planning to spend the weekend in my room studying/chilling out anyway it wasn’t a big deal. Nor do I begrudge my flatmates for the way they choose to spend their time, with or without me, I just don’t want to be so disposable to the people I like.

As a side bar, I realise that a lot of the stuff I over-analyse isn’t given a second thought by other people, but I guess it’s just the way my head works! I get that probably 95% of what I do with other people isn’t given a second thought, but occasionally something will strike a chord with me, and I don’t always get why at first. I find it hard to evaluate how I’m feeling at a given time, I generally cruise by feeling “OK” regardless of the circumstances. I think that’s why this particular post, and all your comments, have been especially helpful to me, it’s not often I sit down and try to figure why something doesn’t feel right, but that is what I’ve done here with your help, and I am both proud to have made a step in the right direction and grateful for everyone’s advice/support/lovely comments!

Comment by Lucy posted on Mon, 18/01/2010 18:44

I’m not sure if you got what I was saying in my last comment. I wasn’t saying you should forgive your friends for being twats but that you shouldn’t judge or label yourself so easily as one. From what I have read on these blogs you don’t seem like a twat just like you analyse everything you do too much. It seems that any type of enjoyment you try to find a negative in and feel guilty about it. It also seems like you spend a lot of time analysing how you may come across to others, maybe to the extent that you think they hate you for some minor thing you said or did. My dad used to analyse in this way too and I said to him one day to not think about it so much. One person is not so important that everything they say and do is analysed in a lot of detail by others who quite frankly have other stuff to do! You should only worry about people who accept u as u and trying to keep them close. Don’t be so hard on yourself and realise that there is no harm in being happy.

Comment by Rees posted on Mon, 18/01/2010 13:45

Cheers again ladies. I realise now that I wasn’t feeling embarrassed or ashamed when writing this, just depressed that I’d blown my evening and my money on some fleeting thrills with people that don’t really care about me. And there’s different levels of twattish-ness Lucy, and I don’t really want to deal with some of these guys too much… for example, dudes shouting and flashing traffic before going out for the evening I can probably do without. I guess it’s also the superficiality of it, the way that every outing is just drinking and quoting the same half a dozen lines from Team America and the Inbetweeners… I’d drink with people in my first and second years who were actually funny, and I’d get to know them.

On Friday I asked the guy I’m closest to in the flat, the only one whose number I have, if he likes me when I’m sober… he said he doesn’t like me anyway. I thought it was hilarious at the time, but I guess now I’m wondering how much he was joking.

Never mind, though, I’m glad to have pinned down what was really bugging me and look forward to pushing on to new pastures next Semester. Hopefully with more group work it’ll be easier to get to know people on my course.

Comment by Lucy posted on Mon, 18/01/2010 13:24

I completely agree with emily and iona! You should have good friends by your side. You don’t have to drink to have a good time or to like yourself. Of course we all know I find it difficult not to drink right now bt I used to be t-total and always had fun! But whatever u are doing make sure you do it with people who respect u and treat u like good friends! Always remember though that don’t worry about how u look when drunk or feel guilty. Most people act like a twat when they are drunk and as u are with drunk ppl they will love u no matter what u do! You deserve to have fun doing whatever u like! Don’t feel guilty about having fun when doing anything and always do it with people you care for and care for you!

Comment by Rees posted on Mon, 18/01/2010 12:15

Thanks very much for your support and your kind words. I guess I’ve been thinking over the weekend, and it’s kind of clear to me now that the people in my flat aren’t really my friends, and I guess I’ve got to stop thinking of them in that way. We’ll chat a while if we meet in the kitchen or whatever, but no-one will make the time to hang out except for going out and getting smashed on the odd weekend, and of course when that happens they’re drunk and loud and obnoxious, and that makes them hard to like anyway.

I can’t imagine suggesting any of the other activities you mentioned to my flatmates, we really have nothing in common except being allocated to the same block of rooms. I can’t imagine keeping in touch with any of them once the year is through, and it makes me sad to think of the friends I used to be close to but have drifted apart from.

I’m not saying that I’ll be teetotal or ignore my flatmates if I am out for the evening, but I don’t want to be the guy that can be depended on as a drinking buddy and then ignored until the next time they need someone to make up the numbers. With the new semester coming up, maybe I’ll even make some friends I enjoy spending time with!

I guess it is related to depression and low self-esteem; the drink makes it easier to tolerate the situation you’re in, but when you sober up it’s harder to tolerate the person you were last night!

Thanks very much for your support girls, you’ve helped put a lot of things in perspective, and I will definitely be more choosy about who I spend my free time with and what level of debauchery we reach!

Comment by Iona posted on Mon, 18/01/2010 11:23

I’m with Emily.  You’re friends should accept you for who you are with or without the alcohol!  It’s all to common for us, when we’re depressed/recently been depressed to have low self-esteem and not expect anyone to like us for who we are, but you have to focus on your assets and realise you’re not so bad afterall!  From what you’ve written it’s already clear that you’re really encouraging, you’ve got a good sense of humour, you’re very perceptive/insightful and by what you’ve shown us, a good friend!  I don’t know about you, but I think most people would happily hang out with a guy like that!  And before you say ‘yeah but….’ we’ve all got our hang ups and draw backs, but that doesn’t cancel out our good points, ot just makes us human!

I’ve realised that I’m really lucky to be in a city/uni where although people hang out in clubs/pubs, there’s a whole lot more going on and loads to do!  Can you try and persuade any of your friends to go out for a coffee / watch a film/ go for a walk/ do some sports together.  Are there any clubs/societies that you’re interested in where you could hang out with people in a non-drinking environment / meet people who enjoy doing other things?

With regards to your ponderings about whether there’s a formula to how much you can drink – it all depends on the power of your liver, and there’s no magic formula to work it out exactly for an individual person.  Government recommendations are 14 units/week for women and 21 for men.  According to research the average person starts damaging your liver at 21 units per week for women and 28 for men.  So its worthwhile being careful.  I guess I’m probably biased as working in the hospital I see so many people come in bright yellow, with hugely swollen tummy’s because they’re livers failing due to alcohol.  A lot of them are more likely to be dead than alive in a years time if they continue drinking.  I know that’s the extreme an they’re generally alcoholics, but the scary thing is that what’s considered ‘normal drinking’ these days is largely already over the reccomended limits.  It’s great to enjoy a drink or two and enjoy the relaxation/ extra bit of confidence but try to be careful.

You deserve to be liked for who you are just as you are, and to be able to have fun without alcohol!

Comment by Rees posted on Sat, 16/01/2010 22:43

Cheers for the advice Emily, I guess there is some truth there. I don’t feel ashamed but I do feel I drink too much. You’re definitely right about them not being real friends, in fact some nights (like last night) they can be kind of irritating… just loud or obnoxious… but then who else am I going to hang out with, and to be honest I did have a good time.

I agree with what you say about getting into a dangerous state, I haven’t personally hurt myself through drinking, but I know my brother has had some close calls back home… once he was found literally out in the road near a friend’s house (country roads, no pavements) and was lucky enough to be picked up by some strangers and taken home (they got the address from him), another time he got drunk and stole some coats from a pub, with people’s keys and wallets and stuff, so he was arrested (but not charged) and I think some other close calls as well.

I know I’m not that bad, probably more through luck and some thinking ahead (never drinking on an empty stomach, never having beer then liquor, etc), and I do have a good time, I just wish I had friends who’d like to just hang out once in a while is all.

Thanks again for the comment, I hadn’t really considered what my friends are like when drinking. Like you and Lucy have both mentioned, excessive drinking is definitely more acceptable at Uni and most of us have over-indulged at some point, but it shouldn’t be a requisite for a good time.

Comment by Emily posted on Sat, 16/01/2010 22:23

You shouldn’t need to put up a front for your friends. Friends should appreciate you for who you are, with or without the drink. I’ve realised recently who my real friends are and that’s what needs to be figured out to be happy. If you feel ashamed of how much you’re drinking, then it’s probably because you don’t really want to be drinking that much.

Well I’m a fine one to talk, I’ve drank far too much on numerous occasions since I’ve come to uni, maybe it’s a case of not knowing my limits, wanting desperately to have a good time. Luckily there’s always people there who care enough to take care of me. If your flat mates are ditching you to go out, then maybe they’re not good enough to be your friends.

Don’t punish yourself for it by drinking yourself into a dangerous state.

Comment by Rees posted on Sat, 16/01/2010 22:01

I guess I was probably being a little over-dramatic, it just seemed a bit of a waste, like you said in your comment. I guess most of the problem is that we only ever go out to the Uni disco/club thing, it’s not like we ever sit around and talk. So I guess there’s nothing to do but drink and dance, there’s nowhere to just talk and take it easy.

Still, I’m glad I posted this last night, it’s like an honest snapshot of how I was feeling at the time, rather than waking up and reframing it, for better or for worse.

I guess I don’t seem to have an upper limit, I’ll just keep on going until I need to sleep, usually with an unfinished drink on my bedside. I guess it goes back to my last post, where I realise there probably are parameters that normalcy lies within, but I’m not sure where they are, and for the most part I don’t really care. It’s just nice to cut loose sometimes, and deal with any regrets later.

Comment by Lucy posted on Sat, 16/01/2010 21:40

dont be so hard on yourself hun! i can drink loads, and you should see what some of my mates back home can put away when drinking! You are just a normal student having a good time! most people get drunk to feel better or gain confidence at some point so dont worry about it! it may not always be the best way to deal with it but i can think of a lot worse!

I went drinking the other day and the only thing i could think of when i got home was all the money i had spent! The fact it was on  the same day as that earthquake, i just thought jesus there’s me drinking away my sorrows and getting pissed off my face. Spending £50/£60 on alcohol when people are dying. people that may not ever had that much money at one moment in time. They most def dont have it right now. That made me feel mean! So dont worry about it hun! you were just having fun! and in retrospect, yeh maybe i could have given money but i didnt really know about it and as well, i can still give money now if i like.

so really we both are being a little silly. just enjoy life as you can! and when others need your help dont ignore them, do something i suppose…and always have them in mind. but anothers sorrows shouldnt put a downer on your happiness. and you shouldnt be so hard on yourself for being happy and having fun!